This fall I introduced a new mantra: surrender. Let’s just say I rolled with it…cause it definitely had its own momentum. Letting go constantly was agonizing, edgy, and liberating, but most of all it helped me grow as a person. Here are a few reflections on what I learned.
Letting go is necessary if you want to lead an authentic life.
I started by letting go of my inner good girl, my inner people pleaser & strict rule follower. Imagine my surprise when, like an out of body experience, I watched myself walk out of my office & down the hall to the CEO’s office and choke back tears to tell him that the organization I worked for (aka my comfy secure day job where I often cried at my desk with the door shut) wasn’t a good fit for me and I would be leaving. With no backup plan. The CEO kindly accommodated me. Within three days I had an interview for a seamstress job and in a few weeks a roommate who felt like a kindred spirit. This shift feels good…it feels more like me. And it all happened because I chose to let go of doubt & fear, trust myself and plunge into my truth.
Letting go can ironically lead you to your desired outcome.
I had a- dare I say- mystical experience while practicing the “let go” mantra at a small 3- day yoga festival. I was a vendor & by the end of the second day I had zero sales. The Debbie Downer in me emerged…ugh I’m gonna lose money, my stuff’s too expensive, nobody is into it, I’m doing it WRONG…etc. Then by some unknown grace I stopped moping and started journaling right there in my booth. I wrote this is more about immersing myself in the experience, the yoga, the friendships, being on this healing land. I made the decision in that moment to make peace with having no sales. I started packing up my merchandise & taking down my booth.
Unbelievably, in that exact moment a guy came up and asked about one of my pieces for his girlfriend. He sweetly bought it for her as a surprise gift! Immediately after him, another customer. Then another. Like some cosmic joke. In a few hours 2 more customers…and then after I tore everything down and walked away for a while I came back ANOTHER customer had one of my pieces folded up and placed in a lawn chair (while I was gone!), she had set it aside to buy.
My decision to replace worrying with journaling was a way of surrendering, of getting out of my own way so I could access those deeper, more peaceful thoughts. That’s when my desired outcome occurred. Not because I willed it, or worked super hard and deserved it, or the universe liked me & rewarded me…but because I was willing to surrender.
Letting go helps you feel human
Near the end of summer I was walking in the park feeling good about my life, being single and happy to be in the woods by myself when out of the blue two guys crossed my path. One had gone to the same high school as me (aside from a hazy memory of a 2 decade-old keg party I didn’t really know him). The other was from California and moved to Louisville to be near his kids.
Over the next few months I casually spent a little time with both of them. High School guy felt familiar, the conversation flowed, and I found myself attracted to him (surprisingly- not so much in high school). California guy was fascinating…he was worldly, had lived in Paris, Manhattan, LA, & was fearless & a really direct communicator (if a little presumptuous).
High School guy invited me to visit a guru, go out of town, shop for groceries/ make food, & craft together. Instead we had a premature make out session after snorting some mystical black tree ash up our nose ( which left me with nausea & anxiety for 7 days because I accidentally swallowed it). After that he vanished and left in his trace a dark mindfuck of being rejected- or what millennials call ” ghosted”. Well…there was one sympathy dog walk date after I reached out to him in a desperate attempt to not feel dropped..but after that it was the ol’ “I’ll talk to ya soon” followed by crickets.
California guy kindly hung out with me on my 39th birthday (another sympathy date) after I told him I’d spent my birthday going to therapy & getting eye glasses. It was a nice gesture but afterwards I never heard from him.
Enter my shadow self. The version of me that had no problem texting men who just weren’t that into me ( as cliche as that phrase is) and would play the aggressor or “friend” to avoid feeling that paralyzing hump that all humans at some point or another have to feel- rejection. Thankfully the “let go” mantra was strong enough in me to surrender my compulsive shadow behavior & instead move into feeling- yes feeling the rejection.
I made friends with my shadow self and birthed a new me- my human self. I no longer hide my longing for a monogamous relationship and I no longer reach for unattainable people. I have even warmed up to online dating sites which, like eye glasses & therapy, are there to help us out of our denial. When you let go of idea of “being a loser” and simply let yourself lose you realize you only ever lose parts of yourself that are overdue to be let go of anyway.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if there are annoying ads under this blog post. I am a one woman seamstress biz who designs clothing & eye pillows w/ mantras on the tags & I meditate on a different mantra each season. If you’d like to see what I have available for sale you can visit my ecommerce site.
There is a self-compassion mantra you can repeat in tough times.
Dark Emotions- don’t try to replace them, embrace them!
Why self-esteem doesn’t work
These are my favorite takeaways so far. I am halfway through the book now…if I come across any more powerful insights I’ll share in another blog post. Thanks for exploring self compassion!
Meet the model: Ali teaches art to kids ages 4-10 at the Arts Council of Southern Indiana & prior to that she was a propogation house manager for a farm in California that fed 70 families & raised goats & chickens. She has also harvested bananas on a 2 acre farm in Hawaii. Ali now lives in New Albany, Indiana where she is opening an art education center called Point of Creation. The studio will be open to all ages & provide classes in fine art drawing, loom weaving, nature mandalas, & healing arts. Ali was so much fun to shoot these kimonos with!!!
Mantra Made 