Self-compassion & Sexuality

Why is sexuality such a charged issue? Why does sex boost our ego or trigger it? Can sex touch our heart/ spirit?

The scales always seem to be shifting- we feel safe and sane by detaching from our sexual self (but deep down like we’re missing out) or wild & empowered by revealing it (but deep down judged).

Why is there shame in the act of creation in which two people melt together into pleasure…pleasure that opens us & lets us see how truly beautiful we are, revealing truth- that this is an act we all are born from! Why is it linked to displays of power & ego, almost as if we use our sexuality to prove our worth or identity?

So far the only people on the planet who seem to be making sense of it are Tantra teachers, so I went to them for answers.

I started by diving into teachings by David Deida, Psalm Isadora (RIP), and Sofia Sundari. I enrolled in Sofia’s Yoni yoga course and started practicing with a jade egg. Two months in and I know with all my heart what the missing link to sexuality is.

Self-compassion.

Here are just a few of the radical concepts that Tantra teachers share (and I believe will change the world!):

• You can nourish the heart with sexual energy- sexual energy is something that you can cultivate to be used for nourishment
• Self pleasuring is not shameful, it’s your birthright & essential to your wellbeing, an important self-compassion practice
• Slowness & exploration are everything, nurturing & nourishment is key
• Sexuality can be activated and used to expand loving energy to the world
• Two people can serve each other and see the divine in each other by activating their sexuality
• Sexuality is commonly linked to our ego identity/ personality. Tantra gently shifts our attention back to what’s divine in all of us.

Psychologist Carl Jung reported that when he treated patients with sex issues it was nine times out of 10 their spirituality that needed awakening and when patients came to him with deep spiritual problems it was a dose of sexuality that did it.

If you get anything from this know that self-compassion & sexuality go together. Let self-compassion be the balm for shame and scars left behind by a wounded culture that’s waking up to itself. Hold the vision of more men and women infusing their sexuality with nourishment!

What a way to close out the winter mantra “self-compassion”! Stay tuned for the spring mantra, manifest!!!

Self-Compassion Tip of the Day- Create Sacred Solitude

My favorite fairytales were never the ones where the princess & prince get married, or a maiden gets rescued. I was always more fascinated by ones where the main character went on a solo journey or quest (The Ugly Duckling, The Last Unicorn, Little Red Riding Hood, Vasalisa, Thumbelina). Usually protective magic was involved, shelter was offered at certain points, hardships were overcome, different characters were met along the way, some became loyal friends & others remained strangers who were only meant for a passing lesson, gift or challenge.

These kinds of fairytales teach us about sacred solitude. Not “phew…I was lonely and now I’ll never be lonely again thanks to this person!!!” But real hard core having been there for yourself through the ups & downs, having experienced a radical inner journey, having observed the shift from loneliness to solitude by yourself, and now free to love because you have built up so much inner strength & self-love that you are happily ever empowered.

When is the last time you embarked on a journey like that? What would it look like? A road trip? A meditation retreat? Switching to that career path you always wanted? Following a dream? Leaving a toxic relationship? Heading out to a breakfast restaurant alone for a change? Hiking deep into the woods? Give yourself that sacred space to experience it and have compassion for yourself while doing it.

Solitude is magic…let it take you beyond what your mind can conceive when grasping the “security” of a happy ending. Let yourself be the journeyer!

Self-Compassion Q&A w/ Special Guest

Today’s special guest is my friend & biz owner Elise Dixie Jane McCulloch, founder of Free Spirit Delicacies. She makes mala prayer bead bracelets & necklaces, earrings & candles here in Louisville, KY with the intention of creating safe & sacred spaces for people by connecting the way their environments feel with the lives they live.

I met Dixie at a yoga festival. She was so welcoming to me with a warm smile & genuine enthusiasm/ interest in me as a person. Later I hung out with her & her mom a few times…they are both beautiful souls. Dixie is one of the most positive, encouraging, offbeat, colorful, and refreshing people to be around and I am super inspired by how she’s living her life- running her biz full-time, traveling to really cool places (she just went to Thailand!) & having adventures, also having gratitude for her husband, pets & cozy home life. So naturally I was curious about her thoughts on the winter mantra self-compassion. I decided to ask her some questions about it:

1. What comes to mind when you think of the mantra “self-compassion”?  How do you think it’s perceived in society?  

When I think of the self-compassion mantra… bodywork, showing up for ME, and the song ” My favorite things” come to mind. Self-compassion should look different daily and for every individual. Our bodies need love in separate systems and it is solely our decision what is best for our constitution. At times, society and social media “show” us what self-love looks like. It may take more time to find out what that really means on an independent platform, but it is worth finding. Just another aspect to this journey in a day and age where everyone and everything seem to think they are not enough. WE must simply remember that WE are not broken. WE are not wrong or right. WE are simply responding to the experiences of our past, present, and future

2. Do you feel self-compassion is a habit you’re good at or are you cultivating/ working on it?  How?

I believe self-compassion is a daily conscious effort. I strive for harmony and balance in all that I do. While I am not perfect at self-compassion, I do feel my daily practices and the life I choose to live are hella compassionate. The days typically begin and consist with a prayer, hot tea, playing with three sweet creatures my partner and I call our children, movement, breathwork, journaling, reading, sound Healing, Reiki, crystal grid work, and Feng Shui. This art and practice is where I tend to spend my hours. With each new energetic field, I embrace, crystals and other belongings must move. In all that I do, whether it is making the bed, curating my work, diving into homemade gastronomy, or driving in rush hour… I choose to have fun and make the experience one of my choosing!

3.  What is the kindest thing you’ve done for yourself (Ever? Lately?)

Let us see… committing a significant amount of time for MYSELF! Which, then allows me to love my soul and others more than before. In setting an ample amount of time aside to live a free-spirited life full of adventures down alleyways and experiencing ground breaking co-occurrences… I can shift any mindset. Through these synchronicities that I create by showing up, the next path reveals itself. My works inspiration and content stems from the human stories during my adventures. Connection. I am talking about sharing raw emotions with strangers. Even if it lasts one minute. With my experiences, I write. I understand, and I love human kind even more. Now that is the kindest thing I can and will ever be able to give myself. It is one step that leads down a beautiful road of taking up some damn space for ME!

4.  Best self-care strategy or favorite way to give some kindness to yourself?

A continuous tool from the pocket toolbox that my mind, body, and spirit thank me dearly for would have to be Breathwork! Finding stillness and breathing into uncomfortable areas brings fresh oxygen into the organs and releases stagnant energy from weighing our emotional body down. Breathwork is the most effective practice I could do daily, and it can be experienced when my eyes are open. Through uncomfortable moments or even in a place of stillness. Breathing is what each of us can do all day every day for healthier bodies and healthier minds! It is a simple practice that brings ultimate bliss into my galaxy.

5.  Which of your products help people be more kind & compassionate w/ themselves?

It is difficult for me to pin down one product for self-compassion. If you are vulnerable enough to be open for a vibrational match, the energetic frequency will speak to you. Whether it is a candle, aromatherapy, crystal grid, or mala. Choosing to raise our vibration with crystals is an act of self-compassion in itself. Through the Meridian and Chakra system, we heal our Heart through each imbalance we are intuitively drawn to. If you are looking to Heal the Heart and Higher Heart in an intentional way, the New Moon Soy Candle, Buddhas Temple Soy Candle and Aromatherapy are a great fixture. You can also go the crystal route for a Heart Opening Crystal Grid (my personal go-to). Maybe even a Mala with Rose Quartz and Moonstone for heightening the intuition and trust of an open heart that we are already capable of. The possibilities are exceptionally limitless!

6.  What mantra are you resonating with on a personal level lately?

In the beginning of January, I treated myself with a trip to Thailand. Part of my time was spent on an eco-lodge for daily yoga, meditation, and journaling. The reflection brought forth deeper insight into this mantra. I am currently living. Which, just so happens to be the name of my upcoming blog, Unapologetically me! It stems from when I joined this yoga community years back, I found myself dimming the sparkle that resides in my aura. There were times, I was “too big”. Or, so I was told. I remember an incident where I was made fun of and said to be wrong for who I was and how I chose to live. This instance happened when a yoga teacher made fun of my hot pink lipstick during an outing. She went on to post online about how we should not define ourselves by bright lipstick among other shares. A friend told me how these posts were about me and the judgement she placed on how I lived my life. It crushed me. I felt that I was living a life of love. A life of meeting people where they were at. At times, I began to question if it was wrong and even spent a few years being afraid of being me. Not because I didn’t love it. But because I cared more about affecting others than showing up with fire in my veins. On the flip side, I have seen how I am able to assist others in healing by being myself. Hot pink lipstick or not! Each of us must remember that being spiritual doesn’t have to look one way and it does not mean you have to give up areas of your life that you love. It is about living a path of your choosing. A life of pure intention, love, understanding, and non-judgement. When I am unapologetically me, I do not show up with any judgement on my side. I show up with genuine self-compassion, which, leads to being whole-heartedly compassionate towards all living beings!

Check out Dixie’s instagram: @freespiritdelicacies

Free Spirit Delicacies Etsy: www.etsy.com/shop/freespiritdelicacies

How Self-compassion Turns Sensitivity into Strength

Imagine being told casually throughout your life by strangers that you need to to let go, loosen up, or that you seem “tightly wound” when you are being 100% yourself. Are they crazy(?) you might wonder. One drunk guy went so far as to tell me I seemed like I thought I was better than everyone else. Another guy told me I was like a butterfly trapped in a fearful body. What these well-meaning souls didn’t understand was that I (along with 15-20% of the population) carry a trait known as HSP (highly sensitive person).

People with HSP brain process sensory input a little differently- or rather more intensely. I often have to cover my ears when a siren or motorcycle engine revs up nearby. I sometimes wear earplugs to the movie theater. My energy gets zapped in noisy bars, amusement parks & arenas…and a cup of coffee can keep me up for 24 hours. Having drinks & chit-chatting on the patio on a Friday night is relaxing to most people, but to an HSP it’s an uphill battle for the nervous system just to be present. Most people have no idea what HSPs are taking in from the environment & psychically perceiving- and that it’s a challenge to our sensory threshold.

On the flip side HSPs have the beauty of being empathic & are more likely to seek understanding of the human condition & soul search & practice kindness- not bad things to give to society(!) It makes for a deep thinker, and a creative- when these two combine it leads to innovation & brand new ideas– something we can always use more of in the world. HSPs are in touch with their intuition…like a dog that can hear far away sounds & sniff out important information, it’s incredibly empowering. The HSP trait also lends itself to some interesting experiences when it comes to pleasure in the body…being able to feel things more intensely means experiencing the hell out of the good sensations.

If you’re a sensitive soul & you find yourself trying to keep the pace with heavy hitters, numb-outers, dense types, & thriving thrill-seekers I beg of you to stop. It’s time to have compassion for yourself. Embrace the HSP trait and bathe in self-kindness. Trust me I know how seductive the mainstream world can be with it’s flashy & loud distracting message “fit in, belong!” that can even pull us HSPs into from time to time. But with a little discipline you’ll start trusting yourself based on guidance that you get from the HSP trait itself, and then you’ll recognize it as a strength. Let it teach you & lead you into an epic journey uniquely meant for you.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind

– Bernard Baruch

Self Compassion Tip of the Day- Welcome Dark Emotions

Throughout my life I’ve experienced some intense sadness and despair. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it has led me to some awakenings…I want to share with you what has brought me from such a heart-felt suffering to a much needed release & deep peace.

After trying therapy, mood-boosting herbs & supplements, yoga for depression, advanced meditation techniques, and all kinds of distractions from Netflix & ice cream to online dating, I came to realize that the best thing to do for myself when a dark emotion comes up is this- welcome it.

This doesn’t mean dramatize it or linger in it, or “manage it”. It means stop victimizing and using a storyline with it. Stop narrating with it. Be quiet. Welcome the emotion in. Deeply welcome it.

You will witness something amazing. The emotion will wash through you and clear out of your physical system. You’ll realize it’s not you. It’s an emotion. Your only job is to greet it with quiet space & welcome it. The body will handle the rest.

I hope this tip helps when you feel stuck in a moment of intense suffering. Lord knows I have been there & understand how overwhelming it can be.

I’m a seamstress in Kentucky & I make mantra-inspired ecofashion & Self-compassion tools. Pictured above: mermaid thigh-highs, shop them here.